Everyone loves a good urban legend and there’s no better time for urban legends than Halloween. Yesterday at The Source, several of us writers were gathered around brainstorming stories for Halloween. We started with the obvious- scary movies. Now, while horror movies have never been known for their high cinematic standards, studio executives have spent millions of dollars trying to make them more appealing. While most resort to the tactic of better special effects or even more gore, occasionally an out-of-the-box thinker gets it in his or her head to cast a big name.
Where most serious actors shy away from the horror/scary movie genre, some Hip-Hop artists have stepped up to the plate, swung, and…definitely missed. Sure, there were the obvious contenders: LL Cool J in H20, Trey Songz in Texas Chainsaw Massacre (giving whole new meaning to “make them say ah”), Busta Rhymes in Halloween: Resurrection, Rah Digga in ‘Thir13en Ghosts (ok, that one was actually good), Ice-T in Leprechaun, and probably even more that we forgot about.
But it was an accident that led us to the urban legend of Da Hip Hop Witch.
While researching exactly which horror movie(s) Ja Rule appeared in, we stumbled upon Da Hip Hop Witch, a 2000 horror movie that, despite featuring major talent such as Ja Rule, Eminem, Mobb Deep, Vanilla Ice, Royce da 5’9’, Charlie Baltimore, Pras, Vitamin C, Benzino, and a few others, remained buried like a haunted artifact deep below the earth’s surface.
With an all-star lineup and a trailer tagline of “You can take the witch out of the wood, but you can’t take the witch out of the hood,” the only question is: how has mainstream America never heard of this cinematic masterpiece?
Well, Eminem’s people tried to bury it, for one.
Yet despite a blurry trailer on IMDB, there was almost no proof that this movie ever actually existed. Did it exist? Why wasn’t it available on Amazon, iTunes, Google Play, Hulu, or Netflix?
Wait, do any of us really exist?
Based on the sparse and often vague recycled reports on the Internet, the possibility that such a movie ever existed began to dwindle.
It had become our Halloween urban legend.
Until we found it (don’t ask how) and realized that this wasn’t just any urban legend, it was our urban legend. That’s right, 18 years ago, The Source may have played a significant role in this obscure film, leaving nothing but a small trail of breadcrumbs for the next generation of writers to follow. Which we did with enthusiasm.
The premise of the movie is simple: A witch is terrorizing Hip-Hop artists. But she isn’t a normal witch, she’s a “cool witch.” Instead of the traditional green skin and warts, she’s allegedly “thick” with “a fat ass” and “big ol’ titties.”
To quote one of the film’s aspiring thespians, “the witch got a big ass. I’d fuck the witch.”
The movie, likely written by someone on bath salts, is a half-assed attempt to parody The Blair Witch Project. It opens up with Ja Rule (in all of his 2000 glory days’ prime) advising people to “stay away from the hairy witch bitch.”
How was this not nominated for an Oscar?
The picture’s extremely loose plotline focuses on three key groups of people: the writers at the still-unnamed Hip-Hop magazine (which, if several Yahoo users are to believed, is supposed to be The Source), the montage of early 2000’s rappers, and five white kids with a pug (aptly named “Pug”) from Salem, Massachusetts (where witches are all evidently from). Shaky camera shots, Motorola brick phones, late 90’s computers, dial-up internet, and fax machines also play strong supporting roles in the movie.
Following the credits, a group of aspiring artists are in producer Mr. Z’s studio. They’re talking about how to become “as big as Ricky Martin” and the subject of the Hip-Hop witch comes up. Apparently she “puts her finger up people’s butt.” Yet despite this unwanted anal assault, every artist who has been attacked by the Hip-Hop witch sees an increase in record sales.
Seriously, who wrote this?
Cut to a young Eminem in a button-down plaid shirt straight from the Gap’s summer 1999 line and wait for it…wait for it…a dog tag. After being assaulted by the witch, he’s holed up in his studio with fellow rappers. Meanwhile, new writer DeeDee is trying to make a name for herself by proving that the urban legend of the Hip-Hop witch is true. She does a lot of faxing to accomplish this.
After a reward of $10 million is offered for the witch, the five white kids and Pug decide that being from Salem, they have what it takes to find the witch. In true stereotypical fashion, one white guy has dreads, one always wears sunglasses, and one girl has pink hair. The dreads guide the group.
I can’t make this up.
Cut to more shaky camera shots of rappers in the studio talking about the Hip-Hop witch. However, it should be noticed that the Hip-Hop witch is an equal opportunity witch. She doesn’t just target men. She also attacked pop artist Vitamin C, probably for making that stupid graduation song.
Back at the office, in between beeps from the fax machine, DeeDee tells her editor that she has the “hot story” about the Hip-Hop witch that could be big news for the magazine. The editor deflects by awkwardly throwing shade at Billboard magazine and tells DeeDee to get back to work faxing things.
About halfway through, The Source makes an appearance as the five kids and Pug from Salem are doing their research, using the magazine, and realize that the “witch” has been only targeting Mr. Z’s artists, leading them to believe that (plot twist) there is no witch.
While doing her serious investigative journalism, DeeDee is faxing things and the company CEO comes in and tells her she has a nice ass. This has zero bearing on the plot whatsoever, but it lends itself to the movie’s overarching theme of “nice asses.”
Also, how much stuff did people fax in 2000?
More shaky cam shots and rapper cameos ensue. The pug makes an appearance in a stolen car. The artists continue to sit in the studio, make beats, and talk about how hot the witch is. The witch steals Big Rock’s car. No further explanation is given.
Eminem is still holed up inside his studio and still talking about how the witch put a finger up his butt. And he sort of liked it. Vanilla Ice, donning a late 90’s ball chain necklace, describes the witch as “a naked chick” with “something scary about her.” Then he resumes getting a tattoo.
Because who doesn’t get interviewed in a tattoo parlor?
The five white kids go to Mr. Z and tell him that there is no witch. He lines them up like he’s going to kill them but then tells them to run. In what can only be described as a Halloween night supernatural event, five white kids from the suburbs outrun Mr. Z’s entire crew. Just as the action is starting to wane, Mobb Deep is abducted in a Blair Witch-project montage. All we see is on the screen is blackness. All we hear is screams and a dog growling. You do not mess with Pug, apparently.
Mr. Z and his crew exchange money with the Street Don who has promised to put them on his magazine in exchange for record sales. Or something like that. That part of the plotline is never made clear.
Eminem is still talking about the witch putting a finger up his butt.
After about 20 more minutes of incoherent, shaky camera shots, Royce da 5’9’ offers an explanation as to why the witch is probably putting her fingers up Hip-Hop artists’ butts. “Probably because we be mooning people all the time,” he suggests.
Makes sense if you think about it.
Meanwhile, Pras found a solution to warding off the witch: a cell phone and a candle. No further explanation is given. Also, Eminem’s arm somehow ended up in the witch’s butt. No further explanation is given. DeeDee with the nice butt is still trying to prove the urban legend of the Hip-Hop witch is true.
The movie ends with a bunch of camera shots and the Hip-Hop witch’s identity is revealed. Spoiler alert. It’s Vanilla Ice.
While DeeDee was never able to prove her urban legend true (apparently she was eaten by Vanilla Ice as he screamed “Ice, Ice, Baby” incoherently into the camera), we can assure you that Da Hip Hop Witch does indeed exist. Just don’t say her name three times in the dark or you can guess what happens.